Common self-sabotaging thoughts and how to overcome them.
Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves can be detrimental to our careers, to our health and to our happiness. This self-talk can keep us in negative cycles which stop us from doing the things that we really want and tackling the core problem.
Do you find yourself saying the following phrases and how does it impact you from making changes today or from viewing your situation differently?
o “If I just…”
If I just work a bit harder. If I just get the next promotion. If I just handle that conversation with my boss differently next time. If I just get to the next step things will be less stressful. If I just have another holiday. If I just reduce my hours. If I just hire the right person. If I just do more things that I love doing in my free time. If I just get through the next 6 months. If I just focus on other things outside of work…
If I just look away from the actual core of the problem (which you already know the answer to, deep down) then I’ll be fine.
This ‘If I just’ self-talk is really common and I’ve definitely found myself using this phrase to justify why I didn’t leave a job or to excuse someone else’s or my own behaviour, and also to put off doing something difficult and nerve-wracking.
Making big changes is really hard but keeping ourselves in this perpetual state of suffering can have a big impact on our overall health.
Self-Talk Coping Mechanisms
From very early on in our lives we learn this phrase. It’s a way of coping with something that inherently isn’t making us happy and it’s a survival mechanism. Survival mechanisms can be important, but they can also be the things that keep us in a negative cycle of thinking and actions.

It is hard to know sometimes what the core problem is and why you are perhaps feeling unhappy. It could be one of many things. Job location, your boss, the way in which you are managed, the way in which issues are handled in the business, a lack of feeling like you belong, oppression in the workplace, lack of equity.
It could be the career itself and the thing that leads you to make a career pivot – it certainly was for me.
We also use this kind of self-talk outside of our careers. If I just lose 3 more pounds… If I just go the gym a bit more. If I just keep my head down. If I just wait until my kids are a few years older…
Sometimes we do end up doing things for longer than we would like due to our commitments and responsibilities. But viewing our situation as only a means to an end signifies that we are always looking towards the end – waiting for it to be over and postponing our happiness until then. We enter into this state of always subpar happiness.
o “I should…”
I should be earning X amount. I should be at this point in my career by… I should have this car. I should be doing something not only that I really love but also pays me a lot of money. I should be happy. I should work harder. I should push further. I should not go for that promotion. I shouldn’t apply for that job – I’ll never get it. I shouldn’t change my career, it’s too late. I should apply for that job – it’s the clear next step (but do I really want it?).
Any time you hear yourself saying the word ‘should’, just ask yourself why and who is the voice of the ‘should’ in your head? Where did you learn to listen to this voice? Is it a helpful narrative or a limiting belief? Looking at the why of making decisions and following your own path rather than someone else’s is key. And that can be hard to do: we are conditioned to follow the expectations of others and we believe them to be our own.
Positive Influences on Self-Talk
I hear this voice more depending on who I’m choosing to spend my time with also. If you spend my time with people who have different value systems than my own sometimes it can trigger you to question your decisions. That’s not always a bad thing but sometimes it’s less than helpful.
Have you noticed if you are around very money orientated people it makes you question how much you are earning or if you are achieving enough? Likewise, if you spend time around people who spend all their time travelling does it make you think you should be travelling more?
Positive influences can be great – even if they do make us feel a little jealous. But ensuring we are following our own path is the key to making sure we don’t suffer from ruminative thinking, wondering and ‘should-ing’.

‘I should be doing what I love…’
Have you heard the phrase ‘I should be doing what I love…’?
This narrative states that we should all be doing the thing that we love; living, breathing our passion … and probably becoming an influencer at the same time. Manifesting our wildest dreams and probably earning a healthy salary and having a great lifestyle all at once.
Sounds like a dream? Well. It depends. The pressure of this self-talk can again cause you to feel as though you can’t possibly be happy unless you too are doing that thing that you ‘love doing 24/7 and get paid for it!’. If you are buying into this mentality, then it’s hard to be happy in the present moment.
It isn’t necessarily an unhealthy narrative but the reality of transforming your hobby into something you need to make money from also can be notoriously soul-destroying. There is no right or wrong way. Perhaps, for you the best thing to do is to really live and breathe your passion. And perhaps it’s always best kept as your hobby, your pressure free zone of pure enjoyment.
It’s about recognizing whose expectations you are living up to and working out what’s really important to you.

o “I’ll be happy when…”
This is the underlying theme of all of the above. Crucially, the buying into the narrative of “I will only be happy when…” is part of the problem because it is, essentially, a bottomless pit.
Have you noticed how long your state of happiness lasts when you chase the next promotion, the next piece of praise, the next record sales figure, the next social media follower?
Probably, not very long and then it’s on to the next thing. Just how healthy is it to continue the “onwards and upwards” mentality?
Tuning In
We get very good at shutting off our own internal signals in order to get through our day, week, month or even year. These internal signals are those warnings signs that we need to stop and listen. These phrases that you might hear yourself thinking or saying are just one of those signals to be aware of.
We know that these types of self-talk aren’t serving us. They stop us from living in the present moment, seeing reality, and making decisions that can make us feel happier. In the here and now.
So perhaps notice when you next use these phrases. Think about what they mean and what the root of the problem is. Maybe it is time to make a big change.
What other phrases do you find yourself saying or thinking? What are your internal signals you listen to that indicate that something may be out of balance?
If you want to discuss any of the above, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us here at Inclusive Consulting.